Can this possibly work? This is an experiment I’m doing in the laboratory of my own life. I should explain right up front that when I say “want” I am not talking about indiscriminately indulging a sweet tooth or giving in to the desperate craving for __________ (peanut butter cups, anyone?). I am talking about the deeper want, the call to feed your body what it needs—giving it the food that both nourishes and satisfies. This want is based on careful attention to how you feel, gauging your desires, and calling on your intuition for guidance. The second caveat before I go on is that my want is shaped and influenced by my life experience, beliefs, and education about nutrition.

I first encountered this concept several years ago when I read a book called Intuitive Eating.  It is an amazingly liberating concept: making peace with food, letting go of the “diet” mentality, and learning to listen to your body. I found it to be surprisingly difficult. Maybe I could not let go of the fear that comes with letting my body have what it wants…even if it IS peanut butter cups; not trusting myself enough to get through the shallow cravings and get in touch with myself.

Or perhaps it was because I had recently completed a “diet” while training for a figure competition. I achieved spectacular results but did not know how to deal with coming off the diet and learning to live and eat every day. I experienced a major rebound effect, gaining back all the weight I had lost, and then some. I was experiencing competing desires—wanting to trust myself, eat according to what my body needed, ultimately treating myself with love and caring, versus the shame of having “failed” and the drive to lose the weight I had gained to get back to the “ideal” physique I had achieved by strict dieting and massive amounts of exercise.

I read Intuitive Eating in my quest to figure out the right formula for me—to look good, feel good, and not go through that yo-yo cycle again. While the idea very much appealed to me I was not yet ready for it. In the years since then I have read many other books about nutrition, eating habits and food in general. I have tried a few different eating plans, experimented a lot, found some things that work for me and repeatedly “fallen off the wagon”. I enjoy food and eating very much. Although I believe the mantra “food is fuel” I also realize that’s not all it is. At least not for me.

Food and eating can carry an emotional charge. We frequently socialize and celebrate over a meal. Sweet treats are given as gifts and a way to let others know we care. Certain foods are occasionally viewed as a reward or a guilty pleasure. For me eating is one of the great pleasures of life and I consider myself one of those people who “live to eat”. Food tastes good and makes me feel good…even if it also makes me feel bad. It is a means of self soothing—albeit one that can go too far to the point of self destruction.

In some ways 2011 was a difficult year for me. I experienced two major health crises that each left me completely out of commission for a week, the second landing me in the hospital for four days. My athletic performance over the year was a series of peaks and valleys, leaving me frustrated and grasping for…something. See my previous post about Recovering from a setback.

After the second illness I struggled to get back in my routine and battled with major feelings of insecurity and self doubt. Even as I got myself back on track with my physical fitness, I was using food as a means of comfort. Never mind the fact that I felt bad (physically and emotionally) after eating the donuts…or the cheeseburger…or just too much of a good thing. It felt good the moment I was doing it. Then came the holidays, or in this culture, permission to be a glutton. It became easy to justify overindulging and gorging.

At some point I started to hear a little voice inside me. It was the part of me that doesn’t feel good using food as a drug, the part that wants to be cared for, respected and nourished. It was a dim flicker of hope that I could break this destructive cycle without going on a “diet”. For several weeks and for many, many meals I could hear this tiny voice but didn’t listen. I became vaguely aware that I didn’t even want to eat the ________ but kept doing it anyway.

Then slowly I started to give myself permission to eat whatever I wanted. Even if it was a donut. Or three. By removing the shame and self-flagellation for craving “bad” things I also started to release their allure. Over time I started to hear the deeper call for nourishment.

Certainly the progression is not as linear as it appears here in my summary/analysis. It was, and is, a balancing act. As I mentioned earlier, my want is not purely intuition because it is shaped and influenced by my circumstances. I have devoted a considerable amount of time to the study of and reading about nutrition (theory, dietary prescription, recipes, etc). I have formed my own set of beliefs about what is good for me that is based on what I have learned from seeking information externally and getting feedback from my own body. And it’s hard to let go of the idea that I just have to find the right program, or just have to diet long enough to lose the few pounds, or that I can handle suffering through a restrictive eating plan in order to look good.

One of my recent reads is a book called The Metabolic Typing Diet.  While I don’t agree with everything in the book, my overall takeaway from reading it is that there is no prescription that will work for everyone and that each of us has a general way of eating that will lead to peak performance and health. It was enough to prompt me to listen a little harder to my internal guide and sparked a desire to use food as medicine rather than as a drug. Using their general types as a guide (I am a “protein type” based on my answers to the quiz in the book) and my own body as an azimuth check, I embarked on this experiment.

As I continue on this journey I must constantly check in with myself. When I feel “hunger” I can stop and ask whether I am hungry for food or something else. What do I need? Can I fill that need with something besides food? If I really am hungry, what is it that would most deeply satisfy? How is my energy level? Do I feel nourished?

Sometimes I can’t see past the shallow craving and find myself moments later surrounded by crinkled up candy wrappers with chocolate smears on my face and clothing. But when that happens I am now *trying* to treat it as a learning experience. To step back and say, “huh…wonder why I did that.” Or “well, now that’s over with. Time to move forward.” To treat myself lovingly instead of harshly. And when I achieve this balance it’s so much sweeter and more satisfying than candy.

This is not the first blog post I envisioned…

I took a leap of faith in launching Warrior One Fitness. I left a reasonably secure job with plenty of opportunity for advancement to branch out on my own, to create something. Shortly thereafter I ran into a few roadblocks and allowed myself to become sidetracked. Was it fear? Lack of motivation? Shortage of confidence? As I grappled with these questions and searched for direction I found myself suddenly ill, in the hospital for several days, and even further from my goal of building a new business. Not only was I floundering in my professional development but also in my physical fitness, the cornerstone of what I am striving to share with others. I started to have serious doubts about my choices, my abilities, my purpose and direction. At a time when I needed to be gentle with myself I began a cycle of negative self-talk that resulted in an even greater struggle to recover. Now here I am weeks after my hospital stay and finally beginning to climb out of the hole. In the grand scheme of life, two months is not much, but it feels like a long time to be “off track”.

This experience leads me to the bigger question of how to recover from a setback? Be it a physical challenge, a mental pitfall, or simply life getting in the way, what is the best way to pick yourself up, dust off and get going again? I certainly don’t claim to have all the answers, and maybe not even the best one. What I do have is a forum to share my experience and the desire to help other people. So what I am doing is going back to basics…taking some time each day for self-care and self evaluation, making time for physical fitness and becoming more selective about what I am putting in my body in terms of fuel (aka food). I am reminding myself that this thing called life is a journey and that I don’t have to be perfect in order to lead or help others. I am learning to take a bite of humble pie and acknowledge that, at this point, I can’t do some of the things right now that I was able to do just a few months ago. Getting off track with workouts and eating lots of junk food takes a toll on one’s level of fitness! I am coming to terms with the choices I have made and the obstacles I have faced and making conscious decisions about how to move forward.

Stick with me on my journey as I continue to work my way back from a setback. No doubt y’all have been there too, or maybe you are there now. Don’t wait until January 1 to make a resolution. Do it now. I am a trainer, coach, teacher, mentor but underneath it all I am a person with the same struggles, questions, and doubts as everyone else. It is through my own setbacks and experience that I draw my strength and hopefully inspire others to do the same.

Thanks for visiting my blog.  Looking forward to sharing some great tips here on health and fitness.  Join the discussion!  Subscribe for email updates so you don’t miss a thing.  Get strong in San Antonio with me here, on my facebook page and at warrioronefitness.com.